


Black Diamond

by DeadmanDairyland



Series: Danganronpa Fan Month 2016 [5]
Category: Black Lagoon (Anime & Manga), Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, it's basically Black Lagoon's first chapter but with Danganronpa characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 23:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16942626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadmanDairyland/pseuds/DeadmanDairyland
Summary: Makoto Naegi is just your average Japanese salaryman who is sent on a business trip to the South China Sea. What could possibly go wrong? Turns out everything.





	Black Diamond

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted on Tumblr on July 30, 2016, for Danganronpa Fan Month 2016.
> 
> And yes, it really is just a parody of the first chapter of Black Lagoon with the cast of Danganronpa. But I had a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you have a lot of fun reading it!

Makoto Naegi was just your average everyday nobody working up the corporate ladder in Japan. And he was fine with that. He was fine with his lack of any real talent beyond his optimism and his ability to survive in this bleak and dreary world of salarymen. Besides, what could possibly be in store for his future that could change all of that?

Surely this business trip to the South China Sea wouldn’t change his life forever–

_**PUNCH!** _

Naegi fell back on the deck of the boat. It was like a truck had hit him.

Two men stood over him, pointing their guns at him. They appeared to be related, and they both wore matching jackets. Naegi immediately recognized them as the Crazy Diamonds. But weren’t they driven out of Japan years ago?

“Hey, bro.” The brother with the less ridiculous pompadour held up the disc that they swiped from him. “We’re looking for a disc containing the details of a secret operation being carried out by Asahi Industries. This is it, right?”

“…Yeah,” Naegi confessed. He winced as he tried to stop his nose from bleeding. Perhaps it was because he was in the sun for too long, but he could have sworn the blood on his hand looked red. It was very unnerving. Blood was supposed to be pink, wasn’t it?

“Good.” The man turned to the other crew members. “Listen up, gentle-MEEEEEEEN. We’ll be leaving now. If you try to follow us, we’ll be sending you to a watery grave, so don’t do anything stupid. You stay put until we’re gone, you’re free to go.”

Naegi sighed. That could have ended worse.

The other brother–with what appeared to be a large corn cob on his head–pointed his gun at Naegi. “Why do  _you_  look so happy? You’re coming with us, Small Fry.”

“…You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope!”

“Crap.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh, for God’s sake, Mondo! What the hell are you thinking bringing this guy with us?”

“Look, Daiya! We’re only getting 20 grand for this stupid job! Chump change! Fuck that!” Mondo pointed at Naegi, who was currently sitting in the corner cringing at the ensuing argument in front of him. “Small Fry’s gotta be worth something to somebody. I say we fucking get in on some of that sweet ransom money. Cha-ching, you see what I mean?”

“And what are we going to do?” an annoyed Daiya asked. “Call Japan up and tell them ‘hey we kidnapped this guy, you got some money?’ How well do you think that’s going to go?”

“I agree,” a timid voice uttered from the next room, and Naegi saw a new face appear in the doorway. “You should have thought things through a bit more before you held him hostage.”

Mondo picked up a large dumbbell off the floor. “You wanna  _die_ , Chihiro?”

“Not really.” Chihiro’s head disappeared from the doorway and the tech genius went back to his communications equipment.

Mondo turned back to his brother. “So you’re saying this guy is worthless to us, huh?”

“Mondo…”

“Well then  _why don’t we just toss his ass overboard then?”_ he shouted, pulling out his gun and shooting at the terrified Naegi.

“Hey! You’re putting holes in my ship!” Daiya restrained Mondo from behind until Mondo finally calmed down.

“Alright,  _fine._  I won’t shoot the bastard.”

Daiya walked over to Naegi, who looked like a deer staring at headlights. “So… you want a smoke?”

“Yeah, I could use one right about now…”

 

* * *

 

“Where… are we?” Naegi asked his captives. The city they were driving through looked nothing like what he was used to in the real world. But it  _did_  remind him of Grand Theft Auto a bit.

“Welcome to Danganroanapur,” Daiya said to him.

“That sounds like a really stupid made up word,” Naegi noted.

“That’s because it is,” Daiya admitted. “But the real name is Kibogamine and to be honest that’s the worst name anyone could  _possibly_  give this shithole.”

“Yeah, it’s really more like Zetsubogamine if you ask me,” Chihiro chimed in.

“Aaaaaaayyyyyyyy!” The Crazy Diamonds both gave Chihiro Fonzie poses. Naegi felt violated just watching this happen.

The car stopped at a bar called the Titty Typhoon. Assuming it was a strip club, Naegi was quick to make an objection, as he wasn’t even sure Chihiro was old enough to enter a strip club, but Chihiro was already running into the bar before Naegi could even say a word.

To Naegi’s surprise, the bar was just a bar. It also had a stage where many drunk people were attempting karaoke. They were failing miserably.

Naegi looked at all of the tables. Every table had a gun. “What kind of place is this? I feel like I’ve stumbled into the Wild West.”

Mondo laughed. “This place is better than some stupid old American movie trope. This is the real world, buddy. Hey, Bartender! Send some Bacardi my way!”

As Mondo distracted himself with alcohol, Naegi turned to Chihiro and whispered, “Hey, how did you end up with these guys, anyway? This doesn’t seem like it’d be your thing.”

“Oh, yeah… My story’s an interesting one.” Chihiro blushed. “Too bad you won’t hear about any of it, but I’ll give you a brief summary. I’m a hacker, and my skills left me in hot water with the Yakuza and the Criminal Investigation Bureau.”

“And guess who saved his ass?” Mondo asked proudly before downing his drink. “I’ll give you a hint. It was me. I was his knight in shining armor.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

As they were having this conversation, Naegi saw out of the corner of his eye something being thrown into the bar. He looked at it, and he panicked when he realized what it was.

“IS THAT A FUCKING GRENADE?!”

The smoke grenade went off, leaving everyone at the mercy of whoever had thrown it. Mondo quickly grabbed Naegi and Chihiro and pulled them behind the bar. “Stay here. Don’t make a sound,” he whispered. Naegi could only give him a shaky nod.

The sound of footsteps echoed through the bar. “Alright, men. Don’t bother with the guns. Just guard the door. My fists are more than enough to take care of these punks.”

Naegi nearly shit his pants. Who the hell was this guy?

“So I hear there is a little group in here calling themselves the Crazy Diamonds,” the new voice said. “Let me introduce myself. My name is Juzo Sakakura. I’m here to retrieve the disc.” He cracked his knuckles. “If you comply, I may let you off with a trip to the emergency room.” He punched a random bar patron in the stomach, launching the poor patron up into the air. The patron crashed onto one of the tables, breaking it in two. “Still better than the morgue, don’t you think?”

“Oh my god, I’m going to die,” Naegi mumbled, the thousand yard stare in his eyes.

“Quit your whining, kid.” Mondo readied himself behind the counter. “I got this. Douchebag is going down.”

“Uh…”

“They don’t call us the Crazy Diamonds for nothing!” He jumped up onto the counter and dive bombed toward Sakakura. “GERONIMO, SHITDICK! NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE WHY THEY CALL ME TWO FISTS!”

As the epic fist fight unfolded in the bar, Daiya opened the back door. “This way! Before the soldiers realize they forgot to guard the back door because they’re fucking idiots! Hurry!”

“I’m coming!” Naegi quickly rushed to the new exit.

“I can’t believe I’m still alive! This never happens!” Chihiro added as he followed Naegi out. Daiya groaned and rubbed his temples. Fucking meta humor was going to be the death of him.

Mondo soon followed, leaving Sakakura’s men in a bloody heap. Sakakura, on the other hand, was still standing, and royally pissed off.

“I’m so mad, I’m gonna punch this place into oblivion,” he said, and he did just that. The bar collapsed around him.

“So now what are we going to do?” Chihiro asked as he drove the others to safety.

“Let me get a hold of Kuzuryu.” Daiya said. “We need to find out who we’re up against.”

 

* * *

 

“Yeah, so the shipment is probably going to be late,” Daiya admitted over the phone.

“I understand. In fact, your timing is impeccable,” Kuzuryu told him. “We happen to have information on the people that attacked the Titty Typhoon.” He groaned. “I can’t believe I said those two words in that order unironically.”

“Information, huh?”

“Yup.” He held the phone out to a small, bloodied chef on the floor of his office. Next to him was Peko Pekoyama, who was holding a sword to his throat. “Speak, Mr. Hanamura.”

“H…he says his name is Juzo Sakakura,” Teruteru said, his entire body shaking in fear.

“Already know that,” Kuzuryu said, annoyed with the lack of answers. “What else?”

“He… was hired by Asahi Industries to take out the Crazy Diamonds. That’s all I know!”

“Got that, Daiya?” Kuzuryu asked.

“Yeah, got it. Thanks.”

“So… you’re going to let me go, right?” Teruteru asked hopefully.

“Let me think about that…” Teruteru was relieved when he saw Peko return her sword to her sheath. “…Nope,” Peko hooked her sheathed sword on Teruteru’s tie and flung him towards the wall with all of her might.

“GWEN STEFANI!” Teruteru shouted before he crashed into the wall.

 

* * *

 

“My bosses sent those guys?” Naegi asked, horrified. “Why?”

“That disc must be pretty important,” Daiya speculated.

“Nuclear weapons.” Everyone turned to Chihiro. “…What?” he asked defensively. “I’m a hacker. And I saved us like five minutes of exposition.”

“Wait, there are plans for  _nuclear weapons_  on that disc?!” Naegi backed himself up against the wall, hyperventilating. “What the hell?!”

“And that’s not all,” Chihiro added. “We have company.”

Mondo and Naegi went up on deck. “That is not what I think it is, right?”

“It’s a gunship,” Mondo said matter-of-factly.

“…So it  _is_  what I think it is. That’s wonderful.”

“I’ve got more bad news,” Daiya said over the walkie.

“Ah hell, what is it now?” Mondo asked, irritated.

“We… are kinda coming up on a dead-end.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“Nope.”

 

* * *

 

The four rendezvoused in the bridge of the boat.

“Well, what do we do now?” Mondo asked.

“We’re gonna die, aren’t we?” Chihiro shook and sat on the floor, holding his knees close to him. “I always knew I’d die young.”

“Yeah, no way around it. We’re boned,” Daiya agreed.

 **“SORE WA CHIGAU YO!”**  Naegi shouted, getting everyone’s attention.

“What’s he blubbering about?” Mondo complained. Everyone ignored him.

“Alright, so this is gonna sound  _really_  stupid but hear me out. See that overturned boat over there?”

Daiya looked over to the boat that Naegi was referring to. Then he stared at Naegi for a moment. “Oh, Christ. This really  _is_  stupid.”

“Stupid enough to work,” Naegi said confidently.

“…Alright. Fuck me, but I guess we have no other option. Everyone take cover. We’re going to blast a helicopter out of the sky with torpedoes.”

“We’re going to what?” Chihiro asked, but Daiya had already set the plan in motion.

Meanwhile, Sakakura waited patiently in his gunship for the Crazy Diamonds’ boat to come to him. “Man, if only I was on that boat punching them to death instead of piloting this gunship. That’d be sweet. But I guess missiles will have to do.”

He grinned when he saw the boat starting to move toward him. “Looks like these guys have a death wish. Good. I hear some guy named Makoto Naegi is on that ship, and I just…  _really_  want to punch something just hearing that guy’s name. It’s a stupid name. He’s probably a wimp too. If I had the time, I’d hire somebody to make a wax dummy of his corpse, I hate his name so much.”

Sakakura was so busy distracting himself with how much he hated Naegi that he didn’t notice the boat launching off of another boat and flying straight towards him until it was too late. “What the fu–?”

The boat launched a pair of torpedoes, and one of them crashed through the cockpit of the gunship, right into Sakakura’s face. The gunship crashed onto the nearby shore in a fiery explosion.

“YEAH!” Naegi shouted when the boat landed on the water. “YOU GOT FUCKED!”

“Whoa, language, buddy!” Daiya scolded. “Jesus Christ, the sailor mouth on you. God damn.”

“Sorry,” Naegi mumbled sheepishly. “It was the adrenaline talking.” He then passed out from the excitement.

 

* * *

 

The Crazy Diamonds’ boat pulled up to the dock. Waiting for them were the Kuzuryu Clan and Naegi’s employers.

"Geez, you guys look like shit,” Kuzuryu told them. Daiya handed Kuzuryu the disc, and Kuzuryu handed the disc back to Naegi’s employers.

“Wait, you’re just giving it back to them?” Daiya asked.

“Yep,” Kuzuryu admitted. “We already know what’s on the disc. Held it for some of that sweet ransom money. Blackmail is a beautiful thing.”

“…Right.”

Naegi’s boss, Kyosuke Munakata, turned to his employee and motioned him forward. “Come, Makoto Naegi. Your work here is done. Let’s go home.”

Baffled, Naegi stared at his boss and removed his necktie dramatically. “Um, no, I think not. You just tried to have me  _killed._  Besides…” He covered part of his mouth with his hand to try to low-key whisper something to his boss. “The tech geek is kinda hot I think I might have a chance there what do you think?”

“…Suit yourself, Makoto Naegi.” Munakata left, leaving Naegi with the Crazy Diamonds and the Yakuza. Naegi thought about that fact for a moment, and realized he might have made a stupid mistake.

“So… What are you gonna do now?” Chihiro asked him.

“You guys hiring?” Naegi asked.

“Eh, we could use a fourth member I suppose,” Daiya said. “Do you have any special skills?”

“Um, I guess I can negotiate with people pretty well, but that’s about–”

“Good. You’re hired.”

“I am?” Naegi asked. “Just like that?”

“Do you see any of us being good at negotiating with anybody?” Daiya asked, and Naegi understood what he meant. “So yeah, welcome aboard the  _Creature from the Black Lagoon_.”

“That is a terrible name for a boat.”

“Look, I like old horror movies, okay?”

Naegi laughed and walked toward the crew as the sun set dramatically behind them. “By the way, I’m probably going to keep wearing the tie.”

“That’s stupid.”

“No it’s not. I like my tie.”

“You will wear a Hawaiian shirt and you will like it, Mister.”

**Author's Note:**

> The theme for this fic was Crossover.


End file.
